so, tonight as i was driving home i turned my wipers on becase it started to rain, but I didn't realize it was raining until I got home. What I'm trying to say is that I think I'm losing it. Nothing makes me feel more insane than normalcy. I seriously think that one day I am just going to snap. And leave everyone and everything. Leave leave leave. Goodbye home, and talking, and explaining, and school for no reason, friends, family, boyfriend. I just want to be alone. It's funny how I've looked for love for so long and now that it's here I just want to slap it in the face. The thing that makes me feel the most insane, is that no one would ever guess that I would ever write any of this. My life is wonderful, but sometimes it is too great. I feel like a bat. I just want to be alone in the dark for a while. And when I come out again into the light, people will be there waiting for me. And they will be relieved that I am back. They will see me. You know, when something is always there you don't see it anymore. That's often how I feel. You treat me so special. But do you really? Sometimes I think it's all bullshit. I am the pretty virgin that you think you deserve. Maybe that's all you are to me. Something I think I deserve. So what if I leave you because of these voices in my head and it turns out, they were all lies I made up? It is impossible to explain needing to escape perfection. 

Maybe I need turmoil. I think I love it. I loved being alone, and sad. But I love you too. 

You know what makes this hard? Little things that i could never tell you about. Like that, I never catch you looking at me when I am not looking at you. That you don't look me in the eyes, just to see what's inside. That you don't watch me sleep. That you never turn around when I am walking away.                    And that I do.

i want to throw up lucky charm marshmellows and put the colors back on my toungue. swim in slow moving syrup sludge and jump into a pin filled to the brim with plastic balls. i want to dance until my limbs hit the floor and sing until my strings are zapped. roll down a hill head over heels and lauch into a field of albino alligators so i can kiss their heads.  i want to write so fast that my pencil files down to a nub as soon as it hits the paper and so hard that it drills a hole into the earth. i am a person place and thing, throw away your world if you'd like to close your eyes and see.

who are you? doesn't matter.

this year i. always i am. stretching and reaching and growing and unlearning and recreating and imagining and giving birth to new life and buring the past and watering the graves of my life and soaking in the beauty of sorrow. call it what you like. there comes a point when you don't care about perfection anymore so you take a can of paint and throw it onto the canvas. splash the red till it spills on your new carpet. and scream scream scream in the center of new york city where no one cares because no one takes the time and that's ok because time is endless once you choke out.
i've had many first this year because i am evolving into a never ending person. an infinite creation with boundless potential for sucess or downfall, both equally as enriching. it has been nearly a year since my first and last heartbreak. i have gained and lost many friends. i have stopped caring and replaced it with awareness. which i consider to be an act rather than an emotion. i'm still sick of people. always will be i think. i am becoming my own self. a writer a reader a stone wall a river. no punctuation, no lines, no end no beginning, no right wrong proper or improper. just expression and interpretation. thank God God is infinitely the same. the reason the incarnation of what is good and what is love. keeps me going. keeps me on track as to where to look when it's dark and where to go when the road crumbles beneath my feet. which is always. i think i could keep writing forever because i am an eldless flow of deep and dark. 
do you know me? aren't we the same? can't we all speak together the same song that strings from the notes of our dna? don't you know what i'm talking about when i'm not talking. please don't ask me about my life, there is nothing more boring to talk about than our lives. tell me about your soul when it's full and when it's empty. ISN'T THAT WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT? tell me about the words in the back of your rotting brain that are too dark to come out and spill your secrets that pumps through your valves. 
this year you loved me and at times i resented you for it. i resented the affairs you had with paper women. i resented your weakness. i resented the women for hating themselves enough destroy real realtionships between men and women. You think you're glorified? You are putting a price on yourself and infecting the world like some uncontrollable disease. Don't tell me it's about money. Six year old children in third world countries are sold as sexual slaves for money and that is the only way they can survive. It makes me sick. But most of all, i resented you for feeding your infection with more poison. 
everyday i learn what it means to forgive and how to let go. everyday i fight my battle with perfectionism. everyday i try not to tear you clothes off. everyday i try hard to be a girl and let you be a boy. everyday i try to be good to keep opportinity open and to have a reason to respect myself and honor the one who gave me life and those who love me. everyday i fight the urge to find out if i'm someone else.

one day i will die. soon, like in 50 or 60 years if I'm lucky. life is strange if you stop and think about it.

supposed to be asleep because I have to wake up in a few hours. don't really care. i can't believe school starts monday. our summer of love is over. a new season is coming. cold hard gusts of change have come to break off our leaves. mine rather. am i still afraid of losing you? i know i have no reason to be. maybe i'm afraid of losing myself. sometimes i look back. sometimes. less and less often, but sometimes. i will always look back because i am more people than you can count. and i will always look ahead. 

it's tomorrow again and it's going to be a long day ahead and then my classes on monday. I don't even know where they're at but i'm not as anxious about college as i used to be. sometimes i wonder if my husband made enough if i would still get a degree and a career. i don't know. ideally i would like to take only classes i want to take and only learn the things i want to learn. become more artistic, more expressive through more mediums. take more pictures, paint more paintings, meet more people. sometimes when i watch movies or listen to a line in a song, i just get lost in the thought that i could escape into that ideology and live in it forever. like those movies with all the hippies travelling in a van together living and loving and listening to music and travelling nowhere forever. i don't see myself as a hippy but it's just ther mindset and the ability to abandon everything that i envy.

you know what?

I can count the people in my life that I've been mad at.  (not irritated, i mean mad)

I don't get mad when people are late
or betray my trust
or slander me
or lie 
or are hypocritical
or cheat to get ahead
or look down on me
or are jealous.

You know why? Because we all do that stuff. We are all slaves to human nature. 

If you hate, you hate yourself.

a good friend of mine tried to off herself the other day. a girl i grew up with right next door. police cars, ambulances, and an unconscious sixteen year old lying on her bed in her prom dress. a prom she never went to. an empty bottle of pills on the floor and letters to those she would leave behind. how can someone so close be so far away. how ashamed i am that i ever called her my friend. a friend would never let that happen to another. how i shook and balled like i thought i couldn't. i saw her in her hospital bed. her mother, still crying hours later. my neighbor, my friend, unconscious still. unaware of the state she was in. critical they said. like something out of a dream. or a moving church drama that would never happen in real life that is conjured to make you love more. i can't think of anything else to say. i just can't imagine her not being here anymore and her not seeing the high price paid for her life, because it is of the greatest worth. that human existence is the very incarnation of love itself. i just wish she knew.

unless you created the movement, you will be considered a poser by someone. all these little underground subcultures, manifesting from bathroom mirrors everywhere, come together to be judged like a debutante. these kids do so much to be unique and accepted and project aloofness to bury their painfully constant concerns. i'm not disgusted by this at all it's just sad to see. i can't stand it when people are judged and grouped into categories and labeled as protoypes incapable of thinking or acting differently than the next android in their classification. everyone is different, but people always ruin that to be accepted.

distance always puts things into perspective. it's nice to step back and breathe my own air for a little bit.

broken behind bedsheets

curling into skin exposed

wide awake as he slept

knowing now there's nothing left

frivolous obsessions 

in pursuit of fading dreams